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Short Sleeves and Gasmasks

Hey Beijing, how’s it going? Suddenly I find myself overdressed, as if  Spring has finally turned up to kick winter in the dick. Plaid shirts? Back in the closet. Thermal socks? In the drawer. Beanie that I practically lived in and has started to become an extension of my personality? Down the back of the fridge probably. Now is the time to frolic in the hutongs with a store beer as who knows when walls might suddenly come crashing down on our favourite havens of cheap booze and loud music? Make hay while the sun shines (through the haze).

 

Today is Wednesday, and Heatmark will be showing Yue Space what they got from 9p.m (hint: it involves a dwarf and a box of illegal fireworks). Somebody, somewhere, will pause midway through a mouthful of noodles, vomit into the street, and then continue eating. Max Vol all the way from Dalian will be cranking to eleven at School with support from Panda Eyes and Hang Nai from 9p.m.

 

Thursday is the day when 67% of employees start to plot their boss’s murder, yet only 12.5% consider using a weapon made of ice that will melt at the crime scene. The rest are feeble minded whelps. Strengthen What Remains will be at School as part of their current tour to give a lecture on reinforcing the foundations of ancient buildings and their recent renovation work at Notre Dame in Paris. All that and more from 9p.m. Meanwhile War Strong and Liu Shi will be at Snail Hostel singing songs inspired by Final Fantasy 4, also from 9p.m.

 

Friday, the weekend should start here if it weren’t for the fact you’ve already had a weekend lumped onto last weekend in celebration of Qingming festival. Weak. Still, there’s a wild party at fRUITYSPACE with deejays RapaciouzC, Wild Wata, and Fake from 9p.m. It’s going to get Robocop nasty, like murderous yuppies snorting baking soda off of hooker’s breasts, while toxic waste mutates people. Indie legend Zhang Qianqian will be at 69 Cafe, getting Total Recall cray cray, like catching an STD on Mars, from 9p.m. Zhen Ren will be spitting some blues wisdom at Jianghu, getting Hollow Man weird, like Kevin Bacon creeping on you on the in the shower vibes, also from 9p.m. At School Recycle, Finger Family, and Miss Future will be getting Starship Troopers hectic, dressing like Nazis and stamping on cockroaches from 9p.m. And I’m out of Paul Verhoeven references so will settle for DDL presenting Juan Carmona at DDC and the ayi across the hutong presenting a crisp can of Harbin to your drunken little paws. Over and over again. Until you throw up into your shoes and 69 draws on your passed out face. From 9p.m.

 

Saturday, you’ll spend half your work day trying to wash the permanent marker penis off your face and rehydrate that Harbin hangover away. Both will linger for the rest of the weekend. If you feel like getting drawn on some more then get blotto’d all over again at DDC with The Hunters and 4 Channels Club from 9p.m. Around the corner a night of Eastern European bangers from 9p.m at fRUITYSPACE under the title Soviet Dance Klab (for tips on recommended attire and posture please refer to this thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/slavs_squatting/). Nocturnes with support from Anxt will be getting fre-kay at School from 9p.m and the sound twenty sided dice clattering across the floor will fill Morgansky Lab for the Dungeon Beijing label’s return, with DJ Quaver, Fakakilla Saber, Tsunami, Z Dev, and The Boom for an epic jaunt to find some treasure from 9p.m. 

 

Sunday, double hangover and double marker pen phalluses on your the face. That my friends is the sign of a successful weekend. Go to the Great Leap for lunch and vomit up an actual road cone and then consume your body weight in beer and Tabasco sauce. You’ll thank me later when you’re at School to shake your money maker to the grooves of The Dice, Motorbike Girls, Default, and Little Wang from 9p.m. There be a blues jam at Jianghu from 9p.m, and a jazz Sunday at Modernista. Perhaps crowds from both establishments will meet in between on Gulou and knock the crap out of each other.

 

Next week, bask in front of the television watching X-Files DVDs and eating stale pizza. I dare you. Monday, Savor Latino will be getting things bumping salsa style with their start-of-the-week residency at Modernista from 10pm till late. Tuesday, jam night at School or some mentally ill jazz at DDC with HOAX, both from from 9p.m. And next Wednesday, the grand meeting of people who like to draw on drunk people’s faces, the DDC grand jam. Bring your markers from 9p.m.