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Dann Says: Misty Mountain Bop

Well hel-lo there Beijing. An American man once said “Sometimes I wonder what I'm a gonna do / But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues”, but I believe that could be debated. For example there is scientifically no cure for AIDS. Yet. There is no cure for decapitation. There is no cure for being shot in the heart by a laser beam mounted on a shark’s head and then shot into space (that’s a FACT). Yet the summer time blues? Well, I ain’t no doctor but I know for one thing that’s easy to cure. Just haul your crusty backside out of the house, ingest copious amounts of alcohol and take yourself along to one of the shows listed below. Easiest disease to cure in the universe.

Today is Wednesday and if you disagree I’ll have you shot in the heart by a laser beam mounted on a shark’s head and then shot into space. Meanwhile legendary UK heavy metal band Venom will be spit roasting the sound man at Yugong Yishan. Still not sold? Once again here’s some Venom lyrics from their classic ‘Black Metal’ to get you involved: “Black is the night, metal we fight / Power amps set to explode /Energy screams, magic and dreams / Satan records the first note /We chime the bell, chaos and hell /Metal for maniacs pure / Fast melting steel, fortune on wheels / Brain hemorrhage is the cure / For BLACK METAL / lay down your soul to the gods rock `n' roll” 9p.m start. FACT.

Thursday, school might be out for summer but School Bar is at it stronger than ever. Pre-gaming for the weekend will be the motley crue of Chinese Modern Guys, Eryi,and Baxian Fandian (formerly Sleep Paralysis). 9p.m start on this one. I can guarantee Chinese modern guys will NOT be living up to their name by standing out front and not trusting electricity or bicycles and asking when the Qing Dynasty will be reinstated. In other news Eddie Cochran was inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame twenty seven years after his death which is twenty seven years sooner than The Monkees who aren’t allowed in for not writing their own songs. FACT.

Friday, the weekend starts here little buddy. Open a six pack and chase a weasel down the hutongs. School Bar is having a rock and roll party to celebrate canvas sneakers with totally reasonable prices. It’s all about white +, The Harridans, and Gate to Otherside from 9p.m and hey! Word on the street has it that whoever gives Dan Taylor of The Harridans the gnarliest wedgey will get a free pair of shoes! Far out! Meanwhile at Yugong Yishan it’s hip hop o’clock with j-fever & Soulspeak, itsogoo, Nasty Ray, Jinzi & Dirtymoss bumpin’and grindin’from 9p.m. It’s been a minute since we thought about Nasty Ray, but don’t worry, he’s nastier than ever. The other day he went to visit his granny and then took a shit in her building’s elevator. FACT. And over at Temple it’s balls out rock and roll: a bit blues, a bit grunge, a bit glam, with Car Car Cars and Los Crasher from 9p.m.

Saturday is your chance to make a fan version of Star Wars Episode VII with your dumb little friends before you see too much of the trailers and lose the ability to imagine anything interesting. I suggest using lots of tin foil and endlessly crank calling Dan Taylor from The Harridans. FACT. At Yugong Yishan you can get down to Maybe Mars darlings Birdstriking and Chui Wan. Birdstriking are fresh back from a tour of the U.S where they visited aviaries and bird sanctuaries and attempted to attack as many birds as they could (apart from a bucket of KFC wings they failed miserably and got the shit pecked out of them). Meanwhile Chui Wan have been putting people into comas with their music. Both bands from 9p.m. Meanwhile at School resident label D.O.G (“Don’t Own Goats”, good advice really) offer their latest and greatest, an EP from dance floor blasting trio Heat Mark, who’ll be rocking it in support of the release with help from L-Gentlemen and Elenore from 9p.m. And DDC be transported back in time to an era in Beijing’s history that most likely never existed outside of a few movies and some weirdos pervy oriental-speakeasy-fantasy with the Hot Club of Beijing. Dj ango (Reinhardt) unchained from 9p.m.

Sunday (Jonah 4:3) "Please LORD, was not this what I said while I was still in my own country? Therefore in order to forestall this I fled to Tarshish, for I knew that You are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, and one who relents concerning calamity. "Therefore now, O LORD, please take my life from me, for death is better to me than life." The LORD said, "Do you have good reason to be angry?" Meanwhile at Mako Livehouse there will be a show sponsored by a vintage clothing boutique or something. 3p.m onwards for The Twenties, Hulu Boyz, Los Crasher, Foggy Notions, L-Gentlemen, Rosewood Bullet, and Sofa.

Monday, whao, shouldn’t you be at work or something? Wait, what did you say? They pay you to do that? Like every week? Oh lord, that’s disgusting...well, if it makes you feel better you could go to MAO and check out/get checked out by Panda Eyes, Watermelon Canned, and 95 Factory from 9p.m. On Tuesday DDC will be celebrating 365 days in the game with a performance by Subs. Killed but not dead from 9p.m. And you can celebrate even more with DDC on Wednesday for a Maybe Mars Showcase from 9p.m. I expect some tap dancing, some stand up comedy, magic tricks, Michael Pettis pulling rabbits out of hats, that kind of thing. The rabbits will be wearing Sonic Youth t-shirts, or course.

Right, that’s it. I’m off to Paris. Meanwhile a pig and a cat are on the side of a mountain hating on each other. Enjoy.


The cat glared at the pig. The writing brush felt heavy in her grip.The pig’s frame rose and fell heavily, deep breathes as the rake was held lazy and low. Ready to defend, ready to attack, but noticeably tired. The sun had made its way across the sky in the time they had been fighting. Neither had given any quarter yet neither had gained the upper hand. Every brush stroke giving birth to a jet of flame had been torn apart by a slash of the rake, while every lunge was deflected by white burning light.

The pig’s little eyes met the cat’s tea coloured ones. He started tolet out a low wheezy chuckle. At first it was barely audible but it grew into arumbling guffaw from his barrel of a chest. The cats burning eyes didn’t leave her target. Suddenly the pig dropped his leading hand , letting the head of the rake fall. He nodded slowly and then grunted.

“Follow.”

With that he turned and started walking up the trail, towards the summit of the mountain. The cat watched silently, surprised by the pig’s move after hours of relentless combat. Moving slowly and steadily up the trail, thepig was already disappearing into the mist that was falling onto the mountain.The cat hesitated a while, watching as the pig merged into the grey nothingness. She stowed away the writing brush and went after him.

The mist grew thicker the higher up the mountain they went and the temperature was dropping steadily. The cat could barely make out the shape of the pig’s huge shoulder strekking upwards. The cat clambered over rocks and twisted tree roots until she came up alongside the pig, panting heavily. The pig was using the rake as awalking stick and seemed to be having no trouble strolling up the mountainside.A pair of tinted goggles now covered his eyes. For a while they walked side byside, the pig doing nothing that acknowledge the arrival of the cat, until finally he spoke:

“Admittedly I’ve had many a lady stop at nothing to gain my attention over the years, but I must admit, few have been as persistent as you.”

He sniggered to himself. The cat’s white chin dropped and she stopped for a second, dumb founded into silence. Then she leaped in front of the pig, blocking his way. Ears swept back and eyes on fire she let out a low growl.

“And just what do you mean by that?”

The pig stopped and grinned.

“Now, now, there’s no need to play games here little one.”

He stepped around the cat and continued on.

“...besides, who can blame you? Such a handsome protector as I,saving your defenseless hide from an entire patrol of Flavour Rangers.”

The cat ran after the pig, growling.

“Wait just a min-”

“It’s only natural that your feelings should get the better of you.”

The pig stopped suddenly, cracking the end of the rake against arock and wheeling around. He leant forward as the cat recoiled, his snout only a whisker’s length from her nose.

“It is a hard and dangerous world, and this is a cold and unforgiving mountain for such a precious little thing...”

The cat exploded with rage.

“Stop right there! You must be as stupid as you are ugly to think that even for a second I’d have even a scrap of feeling for a brute like you! Why, I could have turned you into bacon back there...”

The pig leaned a little closer.

“But you didn’t.”

The cat didn’t know what to say. The pig straightened up and smirked to himself.

“As I said, no need for games up here. Night will be upon us soon and if you know what’s best for you you’ll be wanting some shelter. There is ahouse up above, I’ll show you the way.”

The pig turned and continued upwards. The cat scowled and after a while reluctantly followed.

At the top of a sheer rock face a small house was indeed to be found. Four walls, brick, all of them holding long glass windows, now cracked and broken. On the roof stood a monolithic hoop. In the daylight if anyone had taken the time to claw through the centuries of dirt and filth collected on it they would have found it to actually resemble a giant donut covered in pinkicing and and white sprinkles. Under the secret donut and leaky roof the catslept in an empty corner of the naked, dilapidated room. She kept one eye open, never leaving the pig, who stood with his back to her by one of the long broken windows. He stood staring into the darkness and smirking to himself.