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Dann Says: School’s Out Suckers

Hi hi hi there Beijing! Well, school is out for summer so I guess that means a generous helping of the old in out in out, a spot of ultra violence, and a glorious lomstick of Ludwig Van. When the sky is blue we can frolic in the parks and listen to the symphony of the birds in the tree tops. When the sky is grey wecan lurch into the bars and live houses and celebrate the symphony of the deaf. Long live Beijing.

Today is Wednesday, so you can chill itout at DDC with some jazz vibes courtesy of Olivier Roussel’s duo from 9p.m. The smoking ban means the overall jazz vibes might be diminished somewhat, but hey, oneless thing in the air to kill you. Meanwhile the dying days of XP means that the various miscreants of the Beijing scene are coming out of the woodwork to creep around the stage one last time and this time it’s IDM high sorcerer Noise Arcade (with a performance art spectacle from the members of the best band in Beijing and VJ set from Jeff Yiu), electro pop heroes Jiahuizhen, and genre twisting cross-cultural time traveller Djang San. Somebody is going to poop themselves from 9p.m.

Thursday, a group of weaselsin the hutongs who’ve been training hard and diligently for the past six months under the moniker Attack Weasels Alpha are going to launch their assault on the gecko stronghold. Yet fear not, fans of geckos, for the Gecko Liberation Army will be poised and ready to counter attack. When you’ve finished watching the animals turn on each other in the hutongs, waging bloody war as the sun goesdown, you could take a trip to DDC to groove out to the tune of Duan Pian and Spinning Glasshouse from 9p.m.

Friday, yeaaaaaaah boy, school is definitely out so take a trip to School Bar! They’re going to be hosting Aberration all the way from Wuhan, led by former SMZB and Los Crasher guitarist LiangZhanin. Support comes from indie rockers Secret Club and locals punk heroes Bastards of Imperialism and The Diders from 9p.m. Meanwhile back at DDC Shanghai electro heads AM444 are going to be getting faux murky from 9p.m and across the way at Jianghu the Beijing Jungle Big Band (formerly Beijing Jazz Orchestra) are going to be horning it up. Seriously,we’re talking, saxophones, trombones, trumpets, all that shit, also from 9p.m.

Saturday, Caturday. You couldgo to DADA.I can’t remember exactly what’s happening there that night but I’m sure there will be gaggle of dudes and ladies zonked out of their skulls, so that could be fun. Or you could lurch over to XP for another round of hoorahs before they shutter their doors for good, this time for a night from quiet-as-of-recent electronic label Sinotronics. Expect glitches and weirdness from JFI, Menghan, Hong Qile from 9p.m. Out in Chaoyang young Sichuan indie go getters Hiperson will be stopping by Mako for the Beijing leg of their nationwide tour, promoting their debut album on Maybe Mars. 9p.m on that one too. And for a more chilled and down low affair swing by Fruityshop for another intimate Saturday night in store sesh, this time featuring Layer and Half FOR from 8:30p.m. Ambientbliss.

Sunday, make you awake make the sign of the crucifix to ward off that dreadful hangover ... “And he asked him, What is the name? And he saith unto him, My name is Legion; for we are many.” Speaking of many, School Bar is going to be hosting a hip hop extra vagangza with BiggieSong (Biggie 宋), DangGuoQing (黨國清), AKA GangTou (AKA杠頭), AKAJiaoAo (AKA驕傲), MCBang, DJ Lilrow, and Cai Zi (才子).I remember in 2009 being on the subway in Daegu, South Korea and watching a young Korean man with a golden NY pedant brandish it at his reflection in the subway car window while mumbling “yeah,yeah,yeah, New Yawk city!” Sunday is gonna be tight. 9p.m start.

Next week: Monday, nuthin’. I mean c’mon, what do you expect? You can go to Temple and see some middle aged white dudes singing along to Queen or something if you’re really hurting for somebody to talk to. Jeeeez. Tuesday, XP, mother fucking Zoomin’Night, what, what! Raindog gonna be getting crunk and sipping his gin and juice out of goblet, son. Another eXPerimental swan song featuring Horacio Pollard,Deng Chenglong, Mafeisan from 9p.m. And Wednesday XP again,for the Halloween ghoul fest of The Beijing Misfits...in July. Either somebody needs to buy a goddamn calendar or as XP will be long gone by the time October 31 rolls around they’re taking their last chance to play only Michael Graves era Misfits tracks and assorted Sum 41/ Sublime coverswhile Free Sex Shop and Dead Stars look on in disgust. 9p.m start.

And now to return to our feline adventurer, who last time we saw her was being pursued by some strange noise in the woods before it all went very dark...


The cat opened hereyes, taking a second or two to adjust to the gloom in which she now found herself.She tried to move but couldn’t. Looking down she saw the iron shackles running around her body, binding her to a stone pillar. Her eyes followed the dirty stone floor, dark save for the occasional patch of yellow light served from the glowing orbs she discovered to be hanging over head from a ceiling farinthe cavernous darkness. Around fifty paces in front of her was a stone wall reaching all the way up into the darkness, with the words BUNKER 7-A paintedon, each letter being taller than she was. At the bottom a legion of glowing red eyes were locked on her. Clicks and whirring sounded not from bodies made of flesh and blood but iron and glass. Clockwork hearts beating, more than she could count, all training their glowing glass eyes on her.

Shapes shifted in the darkness above. Then came the same blood curdling howls that had followed the cat through the forest. She snarled and strained her neck back, trying to look up into the darkness. One of the shapes dropped lower, into the light and intoher view. No flesh, just metal bones, a rib cage and a long spine supporting ahuge pair of silver wings flapping in the air. A metal skull with a long ironbeak and glowing red eyes once again. The iron bird drifted up into the darkness. She could see the shapes of more of them up there. It was then that something began to make it’s way down the vertical wall with no regards to gravity. A huge iron frame, round and bulbous, carried by no less than eight spindly silver legs, flashing in the light as they scurried back and worth. Down the wall it came, passing over thegiant letters, to the bottom. The men of iron silently parted, evidently with some kind of reverence, their glowing eyes never leaving the cat, allowing the giant creature to move swiftly towards her. A cluster of glowing, scarlet eyes and a whirring meat grinder mandible focused on the intently as the enormous mechanical spider came closer and closer.

The spider stopped a few paces from the cat, close enough that she could hear the clicks and whirs from inside its huge metal skull. The men of iron kept their distance except for two who stepped forward, their metal feet clattering as they ambled towards her, stopping on either side of the great iron beast. Then came the voice ofthe spider, it’s many eyes flashing a brighter shade of red as a sound like ahundred gears crunching together rumbled from it’s frame.

“WHAT WAS IT DOING INOUR FOREST?”

The man of iron toit’s right flank replied in a lifeless monotone.

“WE DO NOT KNOW.”

“WHERE DID IT COMEFROM?”

“WE ALSO DO NOT KNOW.”

The cluster of red eyes never left the cat as parts moved within its skull, clicking and buzzing.

“CAN ITS FLESH ANDBLOOD BE PROCESSED?”

“OF COURSE.”

The clicks and buzzes grew louder. The sound of metal feet klanging against the floor grew to adissonant chorus as the men of iron moved forward in unison. The cat tried to struggle but found the chains were too tight. The man of iron to the left of the spider now took its turn to speak in an identical lifeless montone.

“THERE IS ANOTHERMATTER. WE CONFISCATED THIS DEVICE FROM THE PREY.”

“DEVICE?”

“A DEVICE OF ANCIENTTECHNOLOGY UNKNOWN TO US.”

The man of iron stepped forward and presented the writing brush. The legion behind halted their advance as the iron spider turned it’shead and scanned the brush with great interest. One of it’s talon tipped silverlegs extended forward and carefully took the brush, gripping it with a smaller craw hidden behind t. The spider bought the brush around, so it was between itself and the cat, but paid her no attention. Its eyes glowed with interest, its meat grinder whirring, clicks and buzzes emanating from within its skull. For her part the cat concentrated all her attention on the brush. If you want me to serve you now is the time to act she thought to herself. Then it happened. The spider made a quick slash at the air with the writing brush. That was enough to summon an ember.

The spark grew and suddenly a fiery arch exploded into the air. The arch grew and gave birth to moreembers that shot off in different directions. The sound of gears jamming came from within the spider’s skull as white fire exploded out of nothing, drawing aform in the air. A long tail, legs ending in huge claws, burning stripes, and fangs of fire. The writing brush clattered to the ground as the tiger drawn with burning light let out a raw like thunder. It pounced upon the spider, aswipe from its claws melting through it’s front legs. The spider collapsed forward and the fangs sunk into its skull, the heat melting through instantly, fusing iron, glass and gears into one. The iron birds screamed overhead and the men of iron scurried backwards as the cluster of eyes grew dim.

The fire tiger wheeled around and for a moment eyed the cat, snarling. It let out another thunderous roar and leaped at her. She felt her fur smoldering and closed her eyes.

She found herself on the cold stone floor. Looking over her shoulder she saw the molten ends of the chain still attached to the pillar. The fire tiger was already bounding off. It swung one of it’spaws at a man of iron, searing its head clean off. A metal bird swooped down only to be met by the tiger leaping into the air and cutting it clean in half, showering the ground with molten metal and gears glowing red hot. The cats crambled forward and grabbed the writing brush from beneath the spider’s deadglass eyes. She leapt up after the tiger as it threw itself into a cluster ofiron men, a roar like thunder echoing off the ceiling high above, drowning out the screams of the metal birds.