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James Franco Is My Imaginary Best Friend

Hi Beijing, how are you? I hear there’s a thunderstorm outside, but I don’t care because I’m at home with a cup of tea, some cushions, and an apparition of James Franco that lives in my head. This version of James Franco has a porn star mustache like that movie with the guy from Malcolm In The Middle. Sometimes he lets me touch it. Yeah, Jimmy Franco is my special friend, who’s yours? Oh yeah, music:

 

Today is Wednesday and as I’m writing this listening to Kiss James Franco is prancing around in nothing but a pair of overly tight briefs playing air guitar. The sweat is pouring off of his chiseled physique. There is no Floso workshop today as the Floso crew are taking their imaginary friends to the petting zoo. Instead your Gulou kicks can be attained at Temple for a battle show thingy with Dirty Fingers facing off Future Orients, and Struggle Session staring down Xiao Wang from 10p.m.

 

Tomorrow is Thursday and I’ll be eating peanut butter out of the jar while James Franco fiddles with my bass guitar.  He really knows how to tease the low end.

Zhege will be at DDC celebrating the time David Ike went to the moon and still said Queen Elizabeth II was a lizard. Shan Yi band will be involved too from 9:30p.m. Meanwhile over at School JOT, Russian Roulette, and Baijianqing will be kicking the jams as hard as humanly possible from 9:30p.m. Elysia Crampton will be at Dada cramping everyone’s style and throwing up in people’s drinks when they aren’t looking from 10p.m.

 

Friday, the weekend begins so James is taking me on a romantic dinner to the Subway by Beixingqiao. I can’t wait for that footlong. Afterward we will relocate to Caravan where Gumbleed, Xiao Wang, and C60 will be pairing ever so well with the couscous from 9:30p.m. Over at School Ant Hell and Toy Solider will be rocking and/or rolling on a line up that sounds like the premise of a ‘90s 3D animated movie (James loves those). It’s open DJ night at FRuityspace from 9:30p.m (I might go and put on a playlist of James’ favourite TED Talks), while Snapline will be at Yue Space doing a Kiss cover thing from 9:30p.m. Gonna be siiiiiiick.

 

Saturday, El Franco and I will go for relaxed bicycle ride down by the canal before buying some flowers and retiring home to finish oil paintings of each other’s armpits. Later if we’re not too busy cuddling we’ll head to DDC for the killer line up of Electric Lady, Tractor, and Wiido PA from 9:30p.m. Around the corner, Jesus H. Christ FRuityspace actually has a gig! Get in that basement for Joachim Badenhorst, Wangzi Heng, and another Kiss cover band from 9:30p.m. School has a change of pace with a stacked line up of hip hop including DOMIe, Drop Science Crew, Ci'er Band, N-Bomb, Saber, and DJ Quaver from 9:30p.m. Finally at Dada Champagne Drip will be moistening the crowd with Puzzy Stack, Joy Ginger, Tsunami, and Oshi from 10p.m until Ivenoideawhen.

 

Sunday, I’ll be up early cooking Jimmy a feast of a breakfast, then gently caressing his hair as I sing a tuneless rendition of ‘Firework’ by Katy Perry until he wakes and looks lovingly into my eyes. Later at Yue Space Watermelon Can, Convention Theory, and Soul Mate will bring the noise from 9:30p.m. Meanwhile School returns to some down and dirty rock and roll with Sein, People Jam, The Devil's & Libido, The Hotline, and Plateau Band from 9:30p.m.

 

Next week: previously I would have suggested staying in bed with your imaginary Hollywood toyboy but now I have an actual job I guess I’ll be doing that and nothing much else. Modernista is closed so not even Salvor Latino on Monday for a few weeks. Tuesday: spend all day sending Wechat messages to your imaginary muse before digging some jazz jam at Jianghu from 9p.m. Finally, next Wednesday: perhaps the Floso workshop if they aren’t out taking their imaginary hunks shopping.

 

Take care Beijing, and remember: it’s impossible to sweat in a swimming pool and eating soup in the rain means eating soup that never ends. I know these things to be true because James Franco told me so. Bye.