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Dann Says: Shoplifters of the World Unite

Well, hi Beijing. Meow’s it going your end? Feline fine. I’m off on tour, currently in Belgium. A month in France, Belgium, Holland, Germany, the Czech Republic, and Poland. It’s going to be sweet. What else is going on? It’s raining in Antwerp and I’ve been on a Smith’s kick ever since York (yeah The Smiths were from Manchester but I guess I was sort of close) so this week’s edition of Dann Says not only features listings I lifted off of other websites but also lyrics I didn’t write. But hey, frankly, Mr Shankly this position I've held it pays my way and it corrodes my soul, I want to leave you will not miss me,I want to go down in musical history...and so forth.

Today is Wednesday and if you go for bike ride be careful not to get a puncture on a hillside desolate, because then nature make a man of you yet. So why pamper life's complexities when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat? Alas, I would go out tonight but I haven't got a stitch to wear, but if you do you should go to see ROTTEN5 at School Bar for free from 9p.m.

Thursday, take yourself to Meridian Space, wear your hair in a quiff and rock some nerdy glasses and a hearing aid and if the people stare then, the people stare,oh I really don't know and I really don't care. Hand in glove,the sun shines out of our behinds and it shines upon on Li Jianhong, Li Qing, and Yan Jun as part of the MIJI Concert series from 7p.m.

Friday, do you want to go to School Bar again? You see I’m not sure if I could because I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. I am the son and heir of nothing in particular. But then we could rock out to Rhona, The Flyx, Little Punk and Jajatone from 8p.m. Wait, what do you mean that’s a stupid faggy idea? You shut your mouth,how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does. Otherwise we could check out Albanian American singer songwriter JMSN at DDC from 9p.m. You know I thought that if you had an acoustic guitar. Then it meant that you were a protest singer. Oh, I can smile about it now but at the time it was terrible...

Saturday, well I haven't had a dream in a long time,see, the life I've had can make a good man bad. So for once in my life let me get what I want. Lord knows it would be the first time,Lord knows it would be the first time, yet this won’t be the first time MAO has put a bunch of bands together for the kids to jump around to Residence A, Black Bohe, Finger Family, Relativity, and Next Door from 9p.m. Meanwhile local label D.O.G are keeping it classy in the summer heat at School Bar with a bikini and swimming pool party. Basically if you wear very little you can ge trashed on the cheap to the tune of Miss Mix, The Hot Line, Daocier, and Baxian Fandian from 9p.m.

Sunday, get all epic with Buddha SkayaHao Yun, Zang Tian Shuo, Battle Flag, and Mary at Mako Livehouse from 8p.m. Chaoyang: yes, Sanlitun: no, because that joke isn't funny anymore,it's too close to home and it's too near the bone. It's too close to home and it's too near the bone more than you'll ever know. Meanwhile an American chap with dashing good looks — a charming man if you will — by the name of Jackson Welles will be showing Yugong Yishan what he’s all about from 9p.m.

Monday, no music in the hutongs only whines, heifer whines could be human cries. Closer comes the screaming knife, this beautiful creature must die. This beautiful creature must die, a death for no reason and death for no reason is MURDER. And the flesh you so fancifully fry is not succulent, tasty or nice. It is death for no reason and death for no reason is MURDER.

Tuesday, Danish indie rockers MEW will come to rock Tango from 8p.m. Another little jaunt around China by a foreign act courtesy of New Noise. It’s by no means a cheap show however, to the extent that I can imagine some depressed penniless poet will wandering down Gulou Dong Dajie whispering something along the lines of “Farewell to this land's cheerless marches, hemmed in like a boar between arches. Her very Lowness with her head in a sling, I'm truly sorry but it sounds like a wonderful thing. I say Charles, don't you ever crave to appear on the front of the Daily Mail dressed in your Mother's bridal veil?”

Wednesday, I hope somebody sneaks into your room while your asleep and smashes your stupid face in. Wait, that’s too far isn’t it? Oh god, I’m sorry, I’m sorry sweetness...sweetness I was only joking when I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed. And now I know how Joan of Arc felt as the flames rose to her Roman nose and her walkman started to melt... anyway, we can celebrate ‘Pet Vacinattion Day’ at MAO from 8:30p.m with Antu, OOC, Liu Minghui, and Hackbuteer.

Had enough? Well, that’s what happens when you spend warm summer days indoors, writing frightening verse to a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg...

Giant birds of prey swooped through the falling snow while rats and foxes wrapped in dark blue cloaks scrambled over the icy rocks. The pig and the cat sat inside, just beyond where the light fell. They could see the hunters outside but they, the prey, could not be seen. They sat watching shapes move past the cave’s mouth, quietly munching away on rations from cans they had taken from a couple of sentries they had made quick work of. The pig tipped can after can upside down, gobbling down the contents into his greedy maw. The cat meanwhile picked away at a can of mystery fish she didn’t very much care for. She longed for the fresh water fish of the valley she’d left behind. She chewed and kept watching the cave mouth.

Turning to the cat the pig asked in hushed tones,

“So dearest, where are we going?”

The cat’s eyes narrowed.

“I’m going to the wastes.”

She made sure to emphasis the singular pronoun in her reply with as much venom as possible. The pig grunted.

“If you wish to get off this mountain alive I believe you may be in need of my services still.”

He nodded to the cave mouth and the shapes moving past as he said this. The cat closed her eyes and gulped down a globule of processed fish.

“Fine.” she hissed. “Across the wastes there is a pit you no doubt know of that reaches down to the heart of the earth. They speak of treasures down there.”

She turned and glared at the pig.

“If you’re still alive by the time I get to the bottom the treasure is yours.”

The pig giggled at this proposition. Suddenly he stopped and his eyes narrowed.

“And just why are you so eager to leave me holding all the loot?”

The cat put down her can and stood up.

“Because it isn’t treasure I seek. Come on, we can’t sit in here like prisoners until we rot.”

The pig picked up his rake and used it to heave himself up. He slowly shook his head.

“Too many out there I fear, even for a dashing warrior such as myself. They’ll be waiting all along the pass.”

He gestured with a stubby digit to the darkness of the cave behind them.

“There is another way.”

The electric glow of the pig’s rake lit their way, which even the cat needed in the absolute darkness. The rough tunnel was cramped and difficult to pass, certainly not meant for travelers with its slimy rocks and stalagmites sticking up and stalactites poking down, forcing them to squeeze between. Eyeless creatures scuttled out of the way and hid in the shadows until they left and the endless night resumed. The tunnel started to lead deeper and deeper, sloping down into the core of mountain, wet rocks causing them to slip and trip. The tunnel eventually leveled out and the pair stumbled on a little further until they abruptly came to a dead end.

The cat glared at the pig, believing he had led them the wrong way, yet the pig showed no surprise. His eyes never left the wall illuminated in the rake’s glow. He started to trace his stubby digits through the air. Without a word he handed his rake to the cat and started fumbling around inside his filthy robes, pulling out what looked like a bundle of playing cards. The pig started to excitedly finger through them. The cat leaned closer suspiciously, noticing the cards were adorned with finely detailed illustrations of kings, queens, and all manner of beasts. Finally the pig found the card he was looking for and returned the rest to the filthy folds of his robe. He held up the card in the rake light and the cat could see an exceptionally detailed drawing of a skeleton key, long and thin, a skull at the top and rude jagged teeth at the bottom. The pig slowly bent down and laid the card on the ground. Almost instantly it turned to ash. A doorway was now in the rock that had not been there before. Short and narrow, a miniature column carved from the rock on either side, supporting the black and white bricks that formed a perfectly symmetrical archway, meeting in a point directlythe door. The cat couldn’t see anything within, only darkness. The pig grinned.

“Ladies first.”