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Dann Says: Back With Vegence

Hi Beijing! Dann Says took a little break while I was teaching cats how to action paint (I’ve got to pay the rent some how). So I hope you didn’t miss out on too much sweaty Beijing rawk action which we were blessed with over the mess fest that is the National Day holiday. Now it’s back to work, back to School, back to hugging the porcelain on a Monday morning and back to the grind of rock and roll as the sun sets on our polluted metropolis. Enjoy!

Wednesday, is like today, man. Head to DDC so you can be bothered by their dog (especially if you’re holding a slice of pizza or a mixed drink) but also to be serenaded by the sounds of Wang Shengnan, Jia Huizhen, Wen Liang, Shi Xiaofei, and Zhang Xuan from 8p.m. The pick of the litter in my opinion is Jia Huizhen, who’ve been getting noisier as of recent, adding some harshness to their pristine pop tones.

Thursday, get some gross noodles on Gulou Dong and then stumble into MAO -- its doors will be closed forever come the end of the year. Tonight you can catch come up and coming young rawkers from 8pm including Skin Bad, Motorbike Girls, Funky Monkey, and Xiao Niao...the motorbike girls with bad skin traded a little bird for a funky monkey? Sounds like a party in somebody’s eyeballs.

Friday, Chengdu rock psych funk fusionists Proximity Butterfly and The Harridans will be waving their dreads about at Yugong Yishan, 8p.m. Actually it’s only one member of Proximity that has dreads but I feel like the whole bands as dreads, spiritually. Anyway they are passing through in support of their latest album, while The Harridans will be cross dressing it up harder than ever. Meanwhile at School it’s a last hurrah for The Sound Stage, a radio/online TV show that for years has been shining a light on Chinese bands. Sadly that’s coming to an end so they’re doing a final blow out with Hang on the Box, Jajatone, Hard Candy Revolution, Wootacc, Dark Mermaid, Gate to Otherside, all from 8p.m. And at MAO it’s a indie rock jubilee with WHAI, Me Too, The Eat, The 16th Floor, and Dawenxi from 8:00p.m.

Saturday, go to a cat cafe and marvel at how shitty the coffee is and how cats really don’t give a damn about other sentient beings. There’s a place with a load of cats in it on Wudaoying Hutong, so you could pre-game there before heading to School for Dirty Fingers, Quick Shot, Final Impact, and Bedstars from 8p.m. Kids from Shanghai not showering enough and coming to get wasted with Beijing friends. Should be a good time. If you’re in the mood for some familiar and classic tunes with a funk’d out twist check out The Groove Collective at DDC from 8p.m. And for something completely different check out Tsering, a fusion Tibetan singer who melds like everything together. He’ll be playing at Snail Club from 8p.m.

Sunday, go to a site of religious worship and pray for your sins. It won’t help but it may temporarily make you feel better. Then go to MAO to catch Perpetual Motion Machine, Chiren, Zhenghuangqi, Xi You, Jiaojin from 8p.m. Or don’t. See if I care.Fancy some funked up blues type? Then dig The Rotten Five at School from 8p.m. Or stick an avocado in your rectum. Once again, don’t care. And if you’re feeling jazzy than bounce over to DDC for D.N.A. JAZZ Trio from 8p.m. It’s in their genes, man. Get it?

Next week. Monday, not a thing. Not even a mouse tap dancing for spare crumbs of cheese. Damn.

Tuesday, pretty boy J-rawkers A9 will be banging it at MAO for the low,low price of 300rmb. Wow, I’ll put that on my list of things to do, never. 9p.m or summin. A markedly cheaper ticket price will be operated at DDC for The KutiMangoes from Denmark, a six-piece afro-beat/soul jazz band coming to you from 9pm. And next Wednesday rock on down the electric avenue to take it higher at DDC with Amazigh Kateb Trio from 9p.m. It’s going to be AMAZIGH! OK, OK, I’ll stop.

That’s it BJ, more fun and frolics next week. Now back to my dark-fantasy pet-cat-fan fiction.

The angels of death watched the two figures below with keen interest. Though the cat and pig were moving along the corridor at a brisk pace the way was long and their overseers far above, to the point that they resembled a pair of ants scurrying along. Ants desperately hoping to avoid the glare of a magnifying glass or a falling boot.

The angels knew themselves as legion, for they were many. While they were roughly the same size and dressed in the same attire, made from the same dull rock, each and every one was a little different. As the cat had noticed some grasped things in their bony fingers, others held their hands together in mock prayer, some had their shadowy hoods up, whilst others had their hoods cast back revealing their rocky, bald skulls. Yet despite these variations at this point in time all of the angels were united by the simple act of never letting their empty cavities that might have once held eyeballs leave the two wanderers below.

One angel named Claudius watched their approach before they were even visible. It knew that something was approaching because its fellow acolytus to the right had turned and were all peering into the distance. It followed their lead and watched, knowing that something was coming. As it waited, for hours or maybe days, it rolled a couple of skulls in its rocky palm. Skulls from a couple of different species, rolling around inside its grasp, as they had done for millennia, over and over again, clattering around and gradually wearing away to nothing.

The pair eventually came into sight and Claudius strained its neck as far as it could in order to catch a glimpse of them. Of course it would have been easier had Claudius simply stood up and turned its body to face them, but that wasn’t possible as it was carved from rock face and still rooted in it, as were its fellows. So instead it cranked its neck and tracked the pair as they moved closer and closer. After a time they were close enough that it could see that the pig had a pair of googles strapped over its face and that the cats eye glistened in the gloom. It saw how they kept their eyes directed straight ahead. Not long after they were passing directly underneath and Claudius was able to stare right down at the top of their heads. The clickidy clickidy clack of the skulls ratting around in its palm was joined by the chorus of creaks and cracks as the coven stretched out their brittle appendages in anticipation, leering down to see if their long fingers might be able to pluck one of the newcomers off their feet. Claudius’s jaw started to chatter ever so slightly with excitement, dust falling away as its rock teeth nashed together.A flock of jet black winged creatures exploded out of a crevice to the left of his head, disturbed by the chattering. For an instant the ashen sky was dyed black as they swooped away.

“How long has it been Claudius?” A voice without breath called from the left.

Claudius turned its head ever so slightly in the speaker’s direction yet never let the new comers out of its view.

“I do not remember, Appius. Too long.”

“Two millennia I say!” Croaked another voice from across the corridor.

“Broken rocks for brains has Zuexis! It’s been seven days!” Chimed in another.

“I pity the fool that puts stock in Apelles’ judgment, it’s been seventy eight moons and a thousand suns!”

“Your atom heart mother had a backside like a thousand suns!”

“Well, your spirit sister did the dirty with an arch-demon of pestilence!”

“Say that to my face you spare rib!”

The bickering of the angels of death went on and on. Their dialect was unintelligible to the cat and the pig below. All they heard was what sounded like hundreds of rocks being ground together in a dissonant chorus, echoing back and forth between the rock faces, the clickidy clickidy clack of the skulls rolling around muffled underneath. They kept moving and did not look up.