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What do you do with Dead Love?

After waking up from an overnight coma, I did not know where I was other than a hospital somewhere in Seoul. The night before this happened I told Mu how I felt about her. I said those three magical words.

“Mu, we’ve been seeing each other for 6 months. Last night we Skyped with my family for the first time. Got invited to my sisters wedding. Tomorrow’s my birthday and I can barely sit still. Mu…I don’t want to have you, own you, posses you. But I do want us…wait, we already are an us, never mind that last sentence. Fuck Mu, I love you. I, I love my alone time like the next human, but when I’m not alone I hope it’s with you more than anyone else. So…I love you.

She smiled…that’s the way she talked.

“James, good morning. I’m your doctor Mrs. Kim. This is the first time you’ve been awake. Do you have any questions?”

Yes of course I thought to myself. For one, that’s the first thing my doctor asks me? In TV & movies it’s,

“Do you know where you are? What’s your name? Who am I?”

What came out was,


“Oh, you cannot speak yet. It happens with this kind of injury.”

“qoiweupoiqjhfl;aknmcx,.sancl;amncl;kaesopibujqoeiru[roijf l’sdkjkldfjlkasdsfjd”

Said that with some attitude if you couldn’t tell. So I can’t speak huh? Well at least I’m not dead.

“Now we did clinically declare you dead after 7 minutes. If it wasn’t for that girl holding onto your (nodding down at my d___) we couldn’t have put the catheter in, cause you were pissing all over the place. See, your brain filled up with blood, ensuing a “Circular Brain Hemorrhage” which all bodily functions are on autopilot…No control.

How is this doctor reading my mind if he can’t understand me?

“Your brain has been bruised so bad it cannot speak like a little baby. But all indications show it’s healing rapidly and we’re not concerned.”

Again, the mind reading.

Rick, my friend who just arrived that night to visit me from Busan walked into the room.

“James, why did you do that? So excited after that shot of Tequila… you slammed money on the table, challenged me to jump down a flight of stairs. Was it because Mu broke up with you (on my birthday remember?) today, or just so damn happy to see me? I love you too…but Jesus James.”

And there you have it. In a non non-parallel universe, in the NOW…past, present, and future Dead Love was born. That was 6 years ago. My dead love turned into years of dead love. Up to Mu at this point in my life, I only had sex when I was in love. So when the doctor told me “that girl” and not my “girlfriend”, my love died and it disappeared. For the first time I started having sex with no love. Those 6 years have passed, and that time is now over. And like my body that dragged itself back from the Black, love has returned back into my life.

After reading lasts weeks post, you know all those messages about the ex’s of mine getting married after me and having babies. My sister right now is 5 months away from having her second kid. My two closest friends from Seoul after 6 years just walked down to City Hall and signed the papers.

Where is my Dead Love? Well, I tried sleeping and fucking it away…but that’s not the way it works. IT NEVER DIES. Nothing you love ever does. It’s the power of human love. It’s in our Art, Music, Writing, Dancing, and in those rare magical moments two eyes connecting with our own. My own Dead Love has been returned from all those I have once loved, and am still currently loving. My own sadness & self-loathing can’t kill it. I turn to killing it with happiness and acceptance. Nothing more intimidating than a person who smiles for no reason and still means it. Even physically dying can’t kill it. Where does your Dead Love go? Mine recycles itself from all past loves.

Looking forward to hearing comments

and stories about any and all of this.

Next Thursday's topic will be: Walking in the shoes of a long distance relationship.

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